I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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