He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
