im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
