we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
