I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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