Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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