just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
