if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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