I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
