Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
whose ass print is on the piano?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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