K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
