Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
