hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
