Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
