He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Found the puke drawer
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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