you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
