I want to walk on stilts...naked
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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