would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
