Apparently you make a good broom.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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