Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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