he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
