i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
