That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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