Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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