Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
