Can Purell be used as lube?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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