got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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