You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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