My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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