well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
