so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
