proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
