I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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