Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
