rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
