I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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