I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
