i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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