just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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