you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
