You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
