I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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