textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
