I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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