I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sorry about my life...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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