i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
