Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
