Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
