screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
