Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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