Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
