I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
