I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
