I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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