My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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