I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
