when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
