There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
