hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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