Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
