The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
